Part 1: “The Lies We Believe”
Chapter 1: “A Man Will Validate My Worth” (Also, Myth 1.)
Before you begin reading, grab a cup of coffee or hot tea, wrap yourself up in a blanket and allow your heart to open to fresh and new ideas. Let’s forget what you’ve been told by friends and family about men maybe everything they told you is true or maybe false, but let’s open our hearts and minds to other possibilities and maybe we can make progress to the gigantic wall you’ve built from heartbreaks and things in your past that have hurt you.
Here are a few questions from the book to prepare us for this first chapter:
-“Who do I say God is?”
-“How important are God’s thoughts in my everyday living?”
-“What do I believe God thinks about me?”
-“How does God describe me?”
-“How is God calling me to change?”
I just want to note: If you are reading this and do not believe in God, it is okay. There is still really good information in this post for you to learn from. If you’re reading this and you’re not very close to God, but you believe there is something or someone out there that’s bigger than us, great! I encourage everyone from anywhere to read these next posts from this book! I learned so much from reading this book and it has helped my mind grow and mature and I have to say, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I didn’t read this book.
If you haven’t read my other blog post, you can read it here! I begin telling you about my story. Now, I truly believe that every woman has a story to tell and maybe it hasn’t happened yet and maybe it just happened.
Growing up was tough, let’s be real. As a kid, we struggle with finding our true self and quite honestly, I feel like we don’t find that true self until we’re much older. I didn’t find myself truly until after college. I know that I was always nice, kind, and would never hurt a fly. I was a born an athlete, playing soccer for years and years playing on 3 teams at a time! But, still, growing up was really difficult. I wasn’t the most popular girl in school but I had friends, some would go behind my back and some I would watch go behind other friends backs. But most of all, I struggled with boys.
I was always a tom boy. Since kindergarten, I always hung out with the boys. I always thought they were easier to get along with than girls were and that is semi true. I wasn’t a big fan of all the drama and the things that young girls would talk about. I just simply wanted to kick the soccer ball and score! Or score the game winning points in basketball, or even baseball! I can’t really say I even searched for much attention from anyone, but when I got the attention I didn’t have a problem with it either :).
I have a fantastic father, but I didn’t get the much needed daddy daughter attention that I wanted growing up. Which I hinted was the reason why I had to have my first boyfriend in 3rd grade. Since than, if I didn’t have a boyfriend… let’s just say, I had to have a boyfriend. It made me feel wanted, loved, cherished and special! I didn’t feel lonely either.
Needless to say, when I opened this book and read the first “lie” or “myth” stating that a man will validate my worth and realizing that this was not true. I gave my full attention to the rest of this chapter wanting to know how this is possible!
Continuing through the chapter I come upon a part where she quotes from a book called “The Fantasy Fallacies” by Shannon Ethridge that always needing to feel loved and wanted from other men could be because of “unsolved daddy issues.” DADDY ISSUES!? I sat there stunned but continued to read on, even more intrigued. I thought to myself, well this makes sense. My dad was never abusive, he was a tough dad but he never physically hurt me. I just never got a whole lot of attention at such a young age. So, it made perfect sense for me to seek it else where.
I don’t want to just sit here and point the finger because quite honestly, I listened to temptation. It all started with Adam & Eve, the devil disguised at a serpent slithered over to Eve and convinced her to eat the apple from the forbidden fruit and of course dragged Adam along in it. If you are unfamiliar with the story of Adam & Eve, open your bibles and go to Genesis, Chapter 3 and read it.
So, the devil in disguised told me, “hey, you need men to validate your worth” and I listened.
So you want to hear the truth? “No earthly relationship can substitute for our intimacy with God. Men, though created in God’s image, are not God; they cannot save. And, like us, they were born with a fallen nature” (page 25, if you’re following along with me).
So, like I said, regardless of how BIG or how small your story is, we all share one thing in common. The devil seeks to destroy us. He does not want us to share a close relationship with God. So instead, he tells me a man will fill the empty hole in my heart.
“The one thing I hope my daughter knows about men is… that no man will ever love her perfectly. The only One who will ever love her perfectly is Jesus. When she is loved perfectly by Jesus, she will be perfectly okay with whom she is and can patiently wait for God’s perfect choice for her.” – Denny Bates.
Here is the truth and I loved reading this.. once I read this in the book, my broken heart which was cold and crippled from the man I was with (who at the time, cheated on me). My heart was filled with warmth, happiness, and a slightly bigger smile than I was used too…
“Only God can validate your worth, and He loves you deeply, madly, passionately!” (pg. 28)
How great is this feeling? To have someone love you that much and to never stop loving you that much is just so heart warming. At the time of reading this, I was very badly bruised.. my heart was ripped into tiny piece, scattered everywhere and in my mind, I could just see God smiling at me and holding a few of those pieces in His hand, magically piecing them back together. I felt hopeful, and for the longest time I did not feel alone anymore.
So, I think it’s important to include the questions Julie Gorman asks you in this book. This would be a great time to bring your journal out, if you have one or use your phone notebook and reflect on these questions. You can take as long as you need or as short as you need, you don’t even have to answer them on paper, just in your head. But answer them honestly, it’s just you there is no one else you have to talk to. So help yourself by being honest.
- Is my happiness contingent upon a man?
- Do I care more about a mans opinion then I do about God’s opinion?
- Do I allow a man to define my worth, or do I listen to who God says I am?
- Have I compromised my faith in order to pursue a man?
- Do I struggle, thinking I’ll be happy when I find a man; or wonder, maybe I married the wrong man?
Reflect on yourself, be honest, ask God to help you and listen closely to see if He is saying anything to you as you go through these questions.
As we near the end of the chapter in this book. There is a section of verses to consider:
- Isaiah 55: 1-3
- Hosea 2:7
- Hosea 3:1
- Romans 5:6-8
- John 4:13-14
(on page 32-33; there are verses and more questions to help reflect and guide you).
Something to remember and I’ll quote this because she wrote it so nicely in the book, “remember, a man (though a wonderful treasure) is in search of his own significance and is incapable of providing your worth. Maintaining a healthy relationship hinges upon your personal relationship with God.” (page 36).
This chapter right off the bat, hit home for me. I always thought I had to have a man to be worth something to someone. When really, all I needed to do was love myself through God. It felt really good to read that I don’t have to be in a relationship with another man because I am loved constantly.
Now today I am with my boyfriend, Matthew and I truly believe this is the man God wants me to be with. I truly believe He gave me these hard life lessons so that I could be prepared for this man He brought into my life. The difference between Matthew and the other boys I have dated… is quite simple. God is the center of my life, God fills the emptiness that is in my heart & I found satisfaction in a relationship with God. I understand that Matthew will not satisfy me completely the only one that can do that is God.
We are all children of God, whether we believe in Him or not. We were all created to have a relationship with Him.
I pray that regardless of the situation that you’re in today with the story of your life, that you will find peace and happiness in the comfort of knowing that you’re loved.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I really hope you enjoyed my post. Again, this is all from the book: “What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men” by Julie Gorman. You can pick this book up at Lifeway Bookstore.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!