She drifts down the cold, damp street. Hands in her pocket, heels clonking as they hit the pavement. Her long beige trench coat, unbuttoned, waving at the strangers passing by as the wind blows against her long brown hair. She keeps eye contact to a minimum. She does not look around her, with eyes only focused on the ground before her. She had it all; The man, the beauty, & the job that pays her well. But yet, she continues to try to find the answers on the emptiness that fills her heart.
She wonders why she can never find satisfaction in the man she cherishes and who loves her with all of his heart. She thinks back on the funny memories they had and shares a chuckle with the mid-afternoon streets of the city. Her smile returns to a firm grin as she begins to ask the same unanswered question, “Why am I not fully quenched? Why am I not truly happy?”
This is an absolutely normal feeling, did you know that? Have anyone of you reading this post share something even remotely similar to this? I have! I am not ashamed of this feeling, this was the changing point in my life. Now, I was not that girl that I wrote about. I didn’t think I was beautiful. I thought I had the right man, after dating him for 2.5 years I believed he was the one I was going to marry. I was wrong on so many levels. Let me tell you just a hint of my story and how I told myself, after him, that I would never put myself through that mess again.
Growing up, I knew who God was. I knew about Him and I truly believed I was living the Christian life. I went to church every Sunday. I knew who God was, or so I thought. OH GOODNESS, how wrong I was! But before I tell you who God really is, let me fast forward to the time when I met the man I thought I was going to marry.
A few years ago, I met a boy at the place where I worked. We started dating and we had a great first year “honeymoon.” When the second year came around, I began developing anxiety, which to me at the time was so very scary. I was always irritable, rude, bickering about everything all the time but most of all, I was lonely. This boy and I lived together at my house for 1.5 years. But after a while, he stopped coming around. Long story short, he found another girl. I was devastated. But, after looking back on it now, I wouldn’t have wanted to come home to someone who was always bickering at everything I did.
BUT! It wasn’t all my fault. I went to a therapist to discuss what was wrong with my mind! I couldn’t leave the house, I was too scared. The panic attacks happened everyday sometimes twice a day! I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t be happy. I cried all the time and of course, I was lonely. I had my mothers support and tender love and care. But, I wanted to work through these problems with the man I thought I would marry.
After a few sessions, we dug deep into the words he was saying to me and I found out that there were a lot of red flags popping up left and right. My therapist allowed me to figure this out for myself though, it wasn’t her job to tell me to let him go. I won’t go into detail of the exact words he was saying to me… but in the end, the words basically said that I was not good enough. I truly believe that this was how my anxiety was created.
I was frantically trying to become someone that I wasn’t during those years being with him. Changing my hair, changing my style and what I listened too. These were my years where I tried to find out who I really was through materialistic things to be the best for him.
Needless to say, this is when God showed up and I knew it. That boy cheated on me and I said “were done.” Dropping off the last of his things felt amazing, like the weight of the world that was on my shoulders, began to dissolve. The anxiety began to disappear, not completely cause I still suffer minor anxiousness to this day. I began to smile again. Later did I realize that during all that time of heartbreak and loneliness, I was in chains. I was my own prisoner.
SO, why did I tell you that? Well, I most certainly know that I am not the only woman who has gone through something like this.. Those are the moments in our life that God uses to help us grow! That moment was the game changer. I told God that I wanted to learn to love like He loves, I want to live my life how Jesus lived His. I wanted a life, through God. I wanted a relationship with the only man who truly believed in me and never ever gave up on me.
When I decided this, my mom took me to Lifeway and I picked up a book called “What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men” by Julie Gorman. I asked God before walking in, to show me what He wanted me to read to help myself heal quickly.
I want to go over this book in my first book series of my blog. I know a lot of women these days do not have the time to sit and read books. But this book is so important for women to read because it is a book on all the myths that social media tells us. Myths on how relationships are suppose to be and how men are suppose to be. But, she tells us how God wants us to be.
So, if you don’t have time to read this book. Tune into my blog and I can describe and give you reflections and questions that Julie Gorman asked me! Also, my views on the sections and chapters that I read.
I still recommend picking the book up and reading as much or as little as you would like on your own. I am not a professional writer and reading this book will give you the most benefit. It really is a great book to read and it has helped me and has opened my eyes and I guess you can say “matured” me for the man I am suppose to marry
Remember, we all have a story. It may not all be extreme, but everyone has their unique story. I wouldn’t mind hearing yours! Feel free to comment or send me an email if you every want to talk! Through these sections, I will be open for discussion, answer questions, etc.
Thank you for reading and tune in for Part 2.
Have a beautiful rest of your Sunday!