Lately, there has been a lot of future changes happening in my mind and by future changes.. I mean they’re happening in my mind but not quite yet in real life. Adding excitement, anxiousness, newness, etc. as these feelings and emotions overwhelm me. I can’t complain.. this has been the moment I have been waiting for. Growing up, I have dreamt of my own house, kids, a husband, and of course some fur babies. I, of course, never dreamt that I would have developed situational anxiety and (just recently) health anxiety. But then I got engaged and the anxieties began to creep in. So, I knew I needed to return to therapy and get help. I knew it worked before… it has got to help again and of course I wasn’t wrong.
I return to therapy towards the end of May beginning of June (I think?). And she immediately gave me homework and assignments for that week. The main one being the dreaded meditation. My first thoughts, no. It didn’t work for me before, it won’t work for me again. But, then I realized and some what over analyzed that it didn’t work for me before because I wasn’t serious of change.. I never gave it a try nor did I truly put myself out there to allow change. So, I did the homework and the assignments.
Thus, starting my daily meditation and journaling routine. I no longer go a day without practicing and journaling my day and night. I have already seen such a HUGE improvement with my daily thoughts and emotions. I began to learn the basics of meditation through an application on my phone that I actually saw off of a Facebook ad, which turned out to be a very useful app. I must give 100% to the app. called 10% Happier ( http://www.10percenthappier.com/ ).
I went from worrying everyday of how I was feeling, analyzing every little ache, soreness, anything out of place and wondered… why? Everything had to have a reason and if it didn’t.. well I was going to continue to go through the steps on everything that happened during the day until I found a reason why I felt the way that I felt.. and honestly, there wasn’t really a logical reasoning. Except for one.. and that was simply “just because.” It is my body and it’s functioning properly I just needed to let go of there needing to be a reasoning. Letting my body heal. I allowed my emotions to gain control of my life and over come me with anxieties that were just unnecessary. I wasn’t always like this..
So, let’s take a small step backwards.. back to February to be exact.
A unfamiliar virus attack me and I was sick for a weekend and two days of work. I wasn’t sick to my stomach nor did I have a fever, but my muscles and joints were in so much pain, as well as my neck migraine-like headaches everyday. After the rough four or so days, I developed joint pain (like arthritis type, which I thought was odd). But I continued to press on and get myself back into the work life and back to the gym but I really struggled with any routine and gave up. It was a very dark few months after being sick, I knew something physically was wrong with me and again the anxiety increased because I reacted so negative to everything I was feeling. I felt like I was drowning.
After a few more months of feeling like I was drowning, my mother decided to sit down with me and have a simple conversation with me about how I am wasting away worrying about every tiny thing that I feel. She was right and IDK what it was about that conversation but I listened. I cried a ton but I listened. The next day, I hopped out of it and agreed to focus more on my meditations and work harder on my homework that my therapist was giving me, at the same time, allowing myself to not be so hard on myself when I slipped up.
As of today, I am sitting here with my glass of water and Frank Sinatra serenading me softly in my ears, typing this blog, all while Matthew (my fiancé now :)) is playing GTA 5. I am day dreaming while staring out the patio door, watching the rain trickle down. My heart, body, mind all feel at peace.
Now, I feel that I can return to my wedding planning and preparing myself for going back to school! As well as being supportive and communicating better with my fiancé simply because my mind is more open and clear, as I teach myself about being mindful. I am learning how to feel emotions but not react to them in a negative way or to just not react to them at all. I will explain more about what I am learning in more blog posts… I just wanted to share and update you.
I have a feeling that I am on a new adventurous path blessed by God because of the storm that I just went through. I am looking forward to where this will all lead me. Maybe my writings will help you one day to get out of the rut you’re currently in.
Until next time my friends! I hope you all have a blessed week and I hope to post another post soon. (: